Certainty makes you deaf.

My usual advice for a hard conversation is to prepare, like anything else when the outcome matters to you. Get your facts straight, and figure out what went wrong and what needs to change. The problem is when preparation morphs into strong beliefs and assumptions, when you've already decided everything that is true and important.

What certainty sounds like

Certainty, here, means you've not only decided which facts and behaviors are relevant, but also what the intention behind the other person was; you started making connections between what did happen and what they intended to happen. "They know this, so they should have thought that, and then they would have done this. That’s what I would have done. How could anyone not see this? It’s obvious. It’s common sense."

Sound familiar? If so, be aware that you are setting up a lecture, not a conversation. The former will not get you the outcome you want, unless that outcome is just to feel better that you “told them like it is” or “got it off your chest”. Nothing of their behavior will really change, nor should it.

They get defensive, because anybody would. You leave sure they don't get it, and they leave sure you never listened. Then it happens again, and the next talk goes worse, until one of you decides it's time to part ways. You never got their buy-in.

Sure of the standard, unsure of the story

Now you might be thinking: if I walk in unsure, won't I look like I don't know what I'm doing? You won't, because you aren't unsure about everything. Be sure of what you saw and the standard you expect. Stay unsure about the story behind it, since you haven't heard theirs yet. Go in curious; you need to discover the rest of the story.

Before your next hard conversation, write down two things: what you saw, and what you expect. Then write why you think it happened, and put a question mark after it. Open with the question: "Walk me through what happened." Don't explain anything until they finish. You might learn they had a reason. You might learn your own system set them up to fail.

Do your hard conversations end in buy-in, or in a lecture? Take the free Leadership Reputation Snapshot: twelve questions, a few minutes, and one thing to work on this week.

Steven Cochran is a leadership specialist and founder of Impression MGMT, working with business owners and companies across the Northshore and Greater New Orleans area of Louisiana through one-on-one coaching, custom workshops, and the twice-monthly Leadership In Business peer group.